


Looking Pensieve

by pythaglorious



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, M/M, kind of, this is so brutal im sorry, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 01:15:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5608213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pythaglorious/pseuds/pythaglorious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"<i>Times are hard, I am aware. I am writing you to simply inform you of the pensieve in my possession. The road of grief is long, and sometimes one may find the best place to start is at the beginning.</i>"</p><p>Sirius is dead. Remus decides the pensieve in Dumbledore's office is a much better way to honor his memory than staring blankly at a wall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Looking Pensieve

**Author's Note:**

> ok so here is a kinda brutal (probably) one shot that i wrote over the summer. most likely won't continue with it, however anything is possible. tell me what you think in the comments! kudos always welcome <3

Remus Lupin couldn’t feel anything. In fact, he couldn’t remember what it felt like to feel. At all. It had been two weeks since that night at the Ministry, two weeks since the only person who ever loved him, truly loved him, was lost. Forever. Remus couldn’t remember if he had cried or not. He just laid in his bed at Grimmauld Place, missing the familiar warmth of Sirius. He let his gaze fall sadly on the wall, replaying his last memory of the grey-eyed man. Over. And over. And over.

 

_He looked so cold as he fell through the veil. His eyes were suddenly icy and his face expressionless. Remus heard a scream. He wrapped his arms around Harry, holding him back. He closed his eyes. Maybe if he kept them shut long enough, he would die too._

 

Remus couldn’t tell if it was denial or depression that made him feel this way. Maybe both. The thought struck him that Sirius would never have a grave to visit because the entirety of the Wizarding World believed him to be a murderer. Remus nearly let out a bitter laugh. He felt something wet roll down his face, though wasn’t sure from where it came. He didn’t remember when, but the green eyed man eventually traded staring at the wall for staring at the backs of his eyes. He only dreamt of losing Sirius.

 

xxx

 

He awoke the next morning to an owl pecking at his window. He didn’t want to get up. The owl didn’t want to go away. Eventually, Remus proved less stubborn than the owl and pushed aside his duvet, making his way to the window. He paid the owl for the delivery and set the letter on his bedside table. He hadn’t even looked to see the sender’s name. He pulled his duvet to cover his body once again, his mind still filled with thoughts of Sirius.

 

The next few mornings passed in the same manner. It took seven letters until the man’s green eyes wandered to the name of the sender. _Albus Dumbledore._ Reluctantly, Remus opened the first envelope he had received, thinking it best to start at the beginning.

 

 _Hello Remus,_ it read, _I hope you are doing well._

 

Remus thought the idea of him doing well at this point was ridiculous. He assumed that was a pleasantry on the Professor’s part.

 

He continued reading, _Times are hard, I am aware. I am writing you to simply inform you of the pensieve in my possession. The road of grief is long, and sometimes one may find the best place to start is at the beginning._

 

Remus thought a moment. A pensieve. A much more productive way to remember Sirius than laying in bed. Though, he was tempted to ignore the letter and stare at the wall once more. Remus sighed, knowing that would do no good. He made his way to the desk in the corner of his room and began opening the other six envelopes, to find that they were all empty.

 

Remus figured Dumbledore knew he had been ignoring the owls and sent the excess ones to wear him down. The man’s eyes nearly lit up with a smile. Nearly. Remus fumbled through the drawers of his desk for a moment before finding a quill and parchment. He dipped the quill in an ink jar and began to craft his response.

 

_Hello Albus, I will certainly think about paying your pensieve a visit. Thank you for the suggestion._

_Best, Remus._

 

Remus knew Dumbledore would see right through the pleasant tone of the letter, though he still sealed it in an envelope and sent it off with his owl. After sitting at his desk for several moments, he decided to go to the kitchen and make himself some tea. Though his heart was still heavy, he thought now he may be able to fulfill his basic human needs. Or maybe this was just a good day.

 

Several sleepless nights passed before he decided to visit Hogwarts. One morning he scrawled a note to Dumbledore on a bit of parchment and sent it off, saying he would be ready to visit the next evening.

 

xxx

 

Remus grabbed a fistful of floo powder and dropped it into the fireplace as he shouted, “Dumbledore’s office!” Remus was jolted before once again appearing in the Headmaster’s office. He found that it was empty.

 

In the corner, resting by a window, he noticed a bowl shining with blue liquid. The pensieve. He stepped towards the bowl, wondering what it would be like to see Sirius properly for the first time since the Ministry.

 

He chose his memory as he raised his wand to his head and lowered it into the pensieve. He hesitated a moment, but then ducked into the pensieve, feeling the sensation of floating until the memory settled around him. He stepped back. _Gryffindor common room. Sixth year. Peter and James had just gone to bed, and the common room was empty_ Remus fixed his eyes on Sirius, feeling a familiar pang in his chest,

 

_“Sirius, you really ought to go to bed,” the green eyed boy looked over at his shaggy haired companion. The black dog began to grow until he became a teenage boy grinning back at Remus, “And leave you here to study in peace? Not in a million years. Good try though, Moony,”_

 

Remus smiled sadly at the use of the old nickname.

 

_“I think you like me more than you like good grades, anyway.” The other boy held back a blush, pressing down his quill harder, and nearly tearing the parchment on which he was writing. Sirius suddenly seemed closer. Remus looked up, his heart doing a tap dance inside of his chest. Grey eyes met eyes of brown. Sirius inched his lips closer to Remus. His brown eyes darted down at them, before Sirius closed the space between them, pressing his lips onto those of Remus. When neither of them pulled away, Remus tentatively placed his hands on either side of Sirius’ face, deepening the kiss. He felt Sirius’ tongue on his lips and opened them. He felt his friend’s tongue explore the inside of his mouth, although, friend was hardly the right word to describe the two anymore._

 

_Sirius’ lips felt felt warm on Remus’. He felt like autumn and he smelt of motor oil and parchment; he smelt of home._

 

Remus could still remember the chills Sirius sent down his back that night. He could remember exactly how if felt to have Sirius so close to him. He knew he’d never get feel it again.

 

_Remus pulled away, looking hesitantly into Sirius’ eyes, which lit up with a smile. He smiled back at them and felt himself pressed against the couch they were sharing by Sirius, who was hovering over him. He initiated the kiss once more, though this one was different. More confident. With more longing behind it. More yearning to hold each other close and never let go. Remus’ mouth opened once more at Sirius’ demand. The kiss deepened. Their lips began to move with each other, tongues pressed together, faster and faster until the momentum was lost Sirius pulled away with a grin._

 

_“I’ve been waiting for that since our fourth year, you bloody bastard,” he relaxed on Remus’ chest with a sigh. He felt thin fingers running through his hair, “You’re not the only one.”_

 

The memory faded away, as Remus stepped from the pensieve and felt the world around him solidify. Butterflies had invaded his stomach as if he were once again a sixteen year old in love with his best friend, though these butterflies were tinged with sadness. He looked down at his feet and sighed, making his way over to the fireplace, saying Number 12 Grimmauld place just loud enough, and going back to the safehouse.

  
Remus stepped out of the fireplace, his mind swimming with thoughts of Sirius. It didn’t help that this was his home. Their home. Perhaps _home_ wasn’t the right word. It was where they had lived. Together. They had always planned on finding a nice place in the country after the war was over. After they had cleared Sirius’ name. Remus lumbered up the rickety staircase to his room, not bothering to respond to the cheerful Hello’s thrown his way by the other Order members. He crawled into bed, pulling the duvet up to his chin. For the first night in weeks, he slept without nightmares.


End file.
